Feelin edgy n queer x
Thanks to my sxy gay photographer @lazyxbum 📸
💙 One of the biggest lessons I learned in addressing my shame is that I cannot heal it by trying to please others.
For a long time, I’ve lived with an understanding that the universe has a cosmic balance: if you put good energy out into it you will receive good things in return. In turn. I began to believe the horrible things I had experienced throughout my life were the result of terrible energy I had at some point projected. I believed that I deserved everything I experienced, that it must be my fault somehow. This translated into feeling that my identity, my expression, my core being and my story was wrong for not “aligning” with the universe.
But that’s not how the universe works. Unfortunately it led me to the supplementary understanding that to “fix” and control this cosmic exchange of negative energy, I needed to put out as much positivity as possible. I would start tallying in my head all my good deeds, all the ways I’ve helped or supported someone, all the acts that made me a “good person” in the universe’s eyes and thus not “deserving” of negative energy in return. I believed that the more I achieved socially and professionally and bent backwards for people (sometimes complete strangers), the closer I could reach absolution and save myself.
But like I said, the universe doesn’t work this way. Looking back, my shame grew deeper through my approach, and a stronger hunger for validation, love, and positive energy developed. I was exhausting myself trying to look perfect and act perfect to be perfect. I was burning myself out with a career that served as a vessel for my struggle for absolution and fueled guilt (“it is our responsibility”) for retention. I was depleted treating the people around me as projects rather than the connections I desperately needed.
And now that I see and understand this, my journey is about to radically change. Moving into the new year, I am shifting my story from a “path to absolution” to a “journey back to myself.” I am leaving behind my point system and nourishing stronger relationships with people (and myself). I am learning to address my shame head-on rather than through others, and embracing myself more.
swipe left 2 see a sneak peak of the music I’m making 🌈
my girlfriend impulsively bought a car and it’s soft hours bc her old car has lots of memories and firsts from when we first met🥺🥺
imagination, life is your creation 💗
self indulgent thot shots and that's the news, folks
My team is better then yours 😛😛
should’ve said it love
Keen for Christmas 🔥❤️
Imma actually sleep early sorry for not posting much oops 😬
One of my best outfits!